wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
