It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize