After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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