Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
