I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My sheets look like a crime scene.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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