ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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