The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
