my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
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