Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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