drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
