How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
