I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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