She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
