When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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