That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
