i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
