i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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