Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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