I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
