Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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