I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
