it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
