My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Can I color on your dick again?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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