Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
