my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
