Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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