no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
