The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
