I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
