True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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