I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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