do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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