THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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