I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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