Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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