Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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