At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
A bitchslap is in order.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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