Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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