I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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