ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
