I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
pop tarts are not kleenex
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The adults are the big ones right?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
