Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
