I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
