Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
