I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
