Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
