I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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