I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
do herpes really smell.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
