I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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