I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
