shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
