Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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