Define "chronic" masturbator.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
