Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
