I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize