I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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