its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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