im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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