Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
