I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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