My liver just broke up with me...
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
